


Bring Me Back

by AnnaKnitsSpock



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Fal-tor-pan, Fluff, Light Angst, Light Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Fal-tor-pan, Post-Voyage Home, SO MUCH FLUFF, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, This completely ignores the David storyline because I hate it, Vulcan Bond, old married spirk, spirk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:05:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19296340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaKnitsSpock/pseuds/AnnaKnitsSpock
Summary: In the wake of Spock's death and resurrection, things between Jim and Spock are still uncertain and strained. At home in San Francisco immediately following their trip to 1986, they are struggling to find their way back to each other.





	Bring Me Back

**Author's Note:**

> This is my contribution to the [2019 Star Trek Reverse Big Bang.](https://startrekreversebang.tumblr.com/) I had the pleasure of collaborating with [stars-and-their-treks](https://stars-and-their-treks.tumblr.com/), whose lovely art that inspired this story can be found [here](https://stars-and-their-treks.tumblr.com/post/185732594697/the-artwork-for-the-piece-call-me-home-by#notes). It was great to work with you!!
> 
> Beta read as always by the incomparable [cohobbitation](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cohobbitation/pseuds/cohobbitation).

_Captain’s Log, stardate 2286.1._

_Well, damn. It feels good to say that again._

_I have just been demoted from the rank of Admiral to Captain following court marital. As punishments go, this is more of a gift, one for which I am extremely grateful. I’m even more grateful that my crew was cleared of any charges, because they deserve nothing but accolades—now, in the past, always._

_The leniency is due, of course, to the fact that we saved the world. Again, I might add, if I was vain; but I try not to be. This was certainly our most creative rescue mission—we have traveled in time before, but the world we found in 1986 San Francisco was especially strange. And the task of building an aquatic tank on a stolen Klingon Bird of Prey for two extinct humpback whales is a truly unique feat of engineering for which Commander Scott must be eternally praised._

_It’s only been four days since we returned to the twenty-third century, and I haven’t even had the chance to go home to my apartment. My crew and I were pulled sodden out of San Francisco Bay immediately upon our return and taken directly to HQ. We stayed there for two days in temporary lodgings to debrief the—admittedly incredulous—admiralty and stand our court martial._

_And now here we all are, in a state of restored normalcy—or something like it._

_I don’t know where I’ll go or what I’ll do with this captaincy. I don’t have a ship, which is of course the reason I was court martialed in the first place. There will always be a shard in my heart now that the_ Enterprise _is gone, all the sharper for the fact that I am the man who destroyed her._

_All throughout the five-year mission, I often heard it said that my only love was my ship, and that no one could hope to compete with that. She was known to be my greatest romance, and my perennial priority._

_That’s very nearly the truth, but not quite. I destroyed her in my quest to save a soul more precious to me than anything, even the_ Enterprise _._

__

_In regards to Captain Spock, his soul has been restored to his body and he is very much alive. His memory remains… a work in progress, but his performance during this mission was praiseworthy, and I think it fair to say that he will be his old self in due time._

__

_At least, I hope so._

__

_Kirk out._

__

—-

__

In all the chaos since he’d gotten Spock back, Jim didn’t realize until they were walking through the door that Spock hadn’t been in their apartment since before he died.

__

Spock stepped over the threshold behind Jim and froze for a moment, holding his bag awkwardly as if he didn’t remember where to put it. Jim opened his mouth, reaching out for Spock, but then closed it again when he realized he didn’t know what to say.

__

It had been so many years since Jim didn’t know what to say to Spock, since there were moments when uncertainty stretched out uncomfortably between them. Suddenly Jim felt 34 years old again, awkward and unsure, traipsing clumsily into alien territory.

__

“You… uh. You ok?”

__

Spock’s eyes focused on him, clear and bright but still— _still_ —distressingly blank.

__

“Yes, Admiral—or rather, Captain.”

__

“Jim, Spock. Please. Jim.”

__

Spock nodded but didn’t correct himself.

__

“You, uh. You look like you’re a bit disoriented by the apartment.”

__

“Yes. I must process what data I currently remember about these lodgings and attempt to access that which I do not. For the time being, will you please put my belongings in their proper locations?”

__

“Of course,” Jim muttered. He took Spock’s suitcase with his own and headed for the bedroom, but he couldn’t make himself leave Spock alone in the entryway. He turned back to his husband, poised as always and looking around their living room as if mentally cataloging it.

__

“I’m so glad you’re home, Spock.”

__

Spock turned to him, eyes softening. “As am I. Jim.”

__

Jim smiled, a tentative relief trickling in. “Why don’t you start by changing out of your uniform? Get comfortable.”

__

“Are you propositioning me for intercourse?”

__

“Oh, uh– no,” Jim stuttered. They hadn’t had sex since Spock was resurrected. They hadn’t even really talked about it yet. He tried for a gentle grin. “But I can, if you want.”

__

“I do not.”

__

The relief dissolved in a rush of despair. “Ok, Spock. Whatever you need. I’m going to put our stuff away and take a shower.”

__

Jim turned away toward their bedroom, Spock still standing, unmoving, by the door.

__

—-

__

Spock meditated for the better part of the evening. Jim did a tour of the loft, tidying and making sure everything was as he’d left it three months ago when he took off so suddenly for the Genesis planet.

__

When Spock finally emerged from his meditation room and found Jim in the kitchen, his eyes were tired and his shoulders infinitesimally slumped.

__

“Sit down,” Jim said. “I’m making us stir fry.”

__

Spock did as he was told without speaking, staring unseeing at the kitchen table with his hands neatly folded on its surface.

__

“You look tired,” Jim said gently after he’d dished up their food and joined Spock.

__

“It is mentally and physically exhausting trying to rebuild my memory. Especially given the energy I expended on our mission to the past.” He finally looked up and met Jim’s eyes. “You must also be fatigued.”

__

Jim nodded. “I think we could both do with a good night’s sleep and a lazy morning in bed tomorrow.”

__

Spock’s lips tried to quirk into a little smile, and while he wasn’t totally successful it was reassuring to Jim all the same. “That is a pleasant prospect.”

__

Jim stretched his foot out and hooked it around Spock’s calf. Spock watched him steadily and didn’t move away even when he finally bowed his head to eat. Jim relaxed, just a little. They ate their stir fry in silence, too tired for conversation, and left the dishes in the sink for later.

__

Jim made it into bed first, collapsing against the pillows with a low groan. He was exhausted, but he couldn’t sleep just yet. It really was a day of firsts—this would be the first time they shared a bed since the night before Spock died, and Jim needed to check in with how Spock was feeling about that.

__

How odd to call these moments “firsts,” though, when they had _truly_ done these things for the first time more than a decade ago. Jim shook his head. He was too tired to ponder the winding complexities of mystical Vulcan resurrection.

__

Spock came into their bedroom in his sleeping robe, so lovely in the low light of the bedside lamp. His eyes lifted to Jim settled against the pillows and looked him up and down, hesitant.

__

“I wanted to make sure you were ok with sleeping in the same bed,” Jim said. “It’s ok if you’re not, I can sleep on the couch.”

__

“I would not have you do that,” Spock dismissed, sitting carefully on his side of the bed but not lying down. “You require sleep in conditions optimal for effective rest.”

__

“Spock. That’s not the priority right now. Please just tell me honestly: are you comfortable sharing a bed with me?”

__

“Yes, I am,” Spock said simply, and neatly settled in beside Jim, tucking the blankets over himself.

__

Jim opened his mouth to say more, but found he had nothing to say. He settled on, “Ok, Spock. Good night.”

__

“Good night, Jim.”

__

Tentatively, Jim reached out two fingers to Spock, who stared at them a moment.

__

“You are aware, I assume, of the significance of that action?”

__

Jim hastily curled his fingers into a fist and let it drop onto the bed.

__

“Yes of course, Spock. Do you… really not remember any of the times we’ve kissed like that?

__

Spock’s brow furrowed as if he was thinking hard. Finally he said, “I am uncertain. At present, my mind is especially taxed.”

__

Jim sighed, nodding. “Of course. It’s been a long day. Sorry.”

__

He was about to turn away onto his side when Spock said, “Will you describe one such time to me?”

__

Jim looked at him in surprise. ”One time we Vulcan kissed?”

__

“Yes.” He met Jim’s gaze. His expression was… not blank, exactly. Tired, maybe even a little bit sad.

__

Jim floundered. Where to begin? “Well, let’s see. It’s hard to pin down just one, Spock. We used to kiss in both the human and Vulcan ways all day, every day. And that’s not even counting all the times before we were together when were were pushing the limits.”

__

“Pushing the limits?”

__

“Well, yeah,” Jim said with a huffy little laugh. “We touched each other’s hands more than a few times before we were together. We both knew what it meant but we were pretending we didn’t.”

__

Spock squinted, clearly trying hard to find any context for this topic within his mind. “Because of duty. And logic. And…”

__

“And lots of other stupid things,” Jim finished, trying to help. “But those were the big two, yeah.”

__

Spock didn’t answer, still frowning into the middle distance. Jim racked his brain for an innocuous example, but for every sad memory Spock had forgotten, Jim’s mind was swirling around 100 more.

__

“Do you remember taking my hand after I rescued you from V’Ger?”

__

Spock’s eyes snapped to his, a sharper movement than Jim had seen all night.

__

“That was not technically an _ozh’esta_.”

__

“I guess not, but it was a kiss all the same. Do you remember it?”

__

A long, long pause. But finally Spock said, “Yes, Jim. I believe I do. I believe… I left you and then regretted it for some time. Did I ever… Did I ever stop regretting it?”

__

Jim’s chest clenched. “You were figuring things out, Spock. It was a big leap for you, what you… felt about me… what we were to each other, then—”

__

“Did I ever stop regretting it?”

__

Jim stared at him and finally swallowed. “No.”

__

“Will I ever stop regretting this?”

__

Silence filled the bedroom like a persistent ghost.

__

“I hope so, Spock, because you didn’t do anything wrong.”

__

Spock didn’t answer, and suddenly Jim found himself continuing, “And anyway, I didn’t do anything wrong either and I could stand some emotional attention eventually.”

__

This time Spock’s eyes slid back to his a little slower and Jim looked away, frustrated and embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to ask for that now, or really at any time in the foreseeable future.

__

“Sorry, Spock,” he muttered. “So sorry. That has nothing to do with this. The point is you did nothing wrong, you saved hundreds of lives, I’m as proud to serve with you as I ever—”

__

A flicker of movement in Jim’s peripheral vision caught his eye. He glanced to the side and there were Spock’s fingers, extended in a wobbly kiss in the air between them. Spock’s eyes said he wasn’t capable of much else, but he was offering this and hoping it was enough.

__

Jim lifted his fingers to Spock’s and a soft electricity flared between them. It was brief, but it warmed the bond and settled Jim enough that he could smile at Spock before he drew away, settling limp on his back. Enough that he could close his eyes and, after a few long minutes of ruminating, give into the tug of his exhaustion.

__

—-

__

_Jim can’t bring himself to look at the man curled shivering on the ground. Saavik says he’s Spock, but that’s impossible, absurd. Jim can’t bring himself to face the crushing disappointment of looking for Spock and not finding him._

__

_“Bones,” he says, and it’s not an order, it’s a plea. You find out if it’s him or not, you soften the blow for me._

__

_Even after Bones tells him yes, it really is Spock, Jim can’t bring himself to look. Not until the very last moment. When it’s too late and they have to get off this goddamn planet immediately or they will burn here together._

__

_He thinks, would that be so bad? We could burn here, burn together like we do when Spock’s blood ignites and boils._

__

_But no, they have a chance at finding each other again and, however small a chance it may be, Jim has to take it. So he rolls Spock over and yes—there he is, as beautiful as ever and it nearly breaks Jim in two. But he doesn’t have time for that, so instead he lifts his husband into his arms, pulls him so, so close as the world falls apart around them._

__

_The weight of Spock’s body, the smell of him—it’s manna in the desert, it’s so sweet it hurts. For the past three months, Jim’s brain has insistently, relentlessly, replayed the memory of Spock dying, and now is no different. He imagines the sick pallor of Spock’s skin, rotting off his very bones, hears the rasp of his ruined voice. But now Spock is here, he is real and heavy and whole against him._

__

_As their atoms dissolve in the transporter beam and Jim clutches Spock even closer, the panic and the fear only grow—will they be able to put Spock back together? Will Spock ever remember him, remember what they are to each other? Has he found Spock only to lose him again?_

__

_There is a real and persistent possibility that Spock may never love him again. Even if they somehow manage to retrieve Spock’s memories, there’s no guarantee of what that will mean. Jim is already so empty, so_ empty _, how can he bear to look in Spock’s eyes and find no warmth there, no soft humor and boundless devotion?_

__

_Spock is heavy in his arms now, just as heavy as he was then—Spock’s dead body was so heavy when Jim carried him out of the radiation chamber. His eyes were empty then, too. Empty, empty, empty—_

__

“Jim! Awaken.”

Jim came to with a gasp, sweaty and trembling. Spock was leaning over him with a concerned expression, hand on Jim’s chest. In the wake of his nightmare, Jim didn’t remember to be easy and careful and reached up to grab Spock’s face, press into his bones and reassure himself of Spock’s presence. Spock did not resist; in fact, he reached up to cover Jim’s hand with his own. 

____

“Are you alright?” he said quietly, the deep timbre of his voice such a comfort.

____

Jim sucked in a deep breath, trying to regain his composure. “Y– yeah. Yeah. Just. Nightmare.” Finally, remembering himself, he let go of Spock’s face. He sat up, reaching to his bedside table for a drink of water.

____

“You do not have nightmares often,” Spock said quietly, uncertain; clearly he did not trust the memory. Jim put his cup down with a sigh. Spock’s memory was right, but it was out of date. Jim considered keeping the truth from him, but there was no point—Spock would realize soon enough that nightmares were now Jim’s everyday reality.

____

“That’s true,” he said, and turned back to Spock with a soft smile, hoping to convey unspoken praise for Spock’s memory. “Or rather, it was true. I’ve been… struggling with nightmares lately.”

____

“Since my death,” Spock acknowledged, and Jim nodded.

____

“Was that the content of your nightmare tonight?”

____

“That, and the day we found you on Genesis. It all gets kind of tangled up”

____

Spock stared at him, considering. Jim stared steadily back, not sure what was going on in Spock’s mind. The bond was still so weak. “I am sorry for the pain you have endured,” Spock said finally. “I am sorry that it was caused by my actions.”

____

Jim smiled sadly. “Good lord Spock, don’t apologize for that. I’m truly sorry if I made you feel bad before. I know you did what you had to do to save the ship. I would have done the same. I’m just…” Jim trailed off, not sure what to say.

____

“And you,” Spock said. Jim squinted, confused.

____

“What?”

____

“I did what I had to do to save the ship, but also what I had to do to save you. My concern for your life was equally as great as my concern for the crew. Perhaps greater.”

____

Jim’s breath caught. He wasn’t sure why it surprised him to hear Spock say that—they had certainly prioritized each other over duty countless times. Hell, Jim had just destroyed the _Enterprise_ for Spock.

____

But he had been thinking of Spock’s death as a noble, selfless sacrifice. The needs of the many over the needs of the few, as Spock himself had said. But, as usual, it appeared Spock had his own private motives simmering just under the surface of his stated Vulcan ethics.

____

Jim couldn’t help a small grin. The shroud of death and the fog of memory loss still partially obscured Spock from him, but the renegade in Spock was starting to peek through. The unexpectedly rebellious brother of a mutineer, so fiercely loyal—a version of Spock that only Jim truly understood.

____

“I…” Jim huffed a laugh, not quite sure what to say. “I thought the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the one.”

____

“As you said to me on Vulcan, Captain, sometimes the reverse is true.”

____

Jim smiled again and for a little while they just took each other in. Jim broke the moment with a sigh and patted Spock’s knee. “Let’s get back to sleep. Sorry I woke you.”

____

“Apologies are unnecessary,” Spock said. “Before we sleep, I wish to say that I am… aware that you are suffering in the wake of my death. It is not my intention to increase that suffering, although I find myself clumsy in my attempts to behave otherwise. Will you please tell me if there is there anything I can do in this moment to ease your discomfort? Would physical contact be of assistance?”

____

“Spock, I wouldn’t ask that of you. I know it’s a big deal just to be in the same bed.”

____

“It is not,” Spock said, and now, unexpectedly, there was a hint of frustration in his voice. “You seem to be laboring under a misconception that I do not wish to be near you. I do. Your proximity stabilizes me. I know that I remain… distant, and that I am not able to offer you solace as I once did. But providing you with what little reassurance I am able is a comfort to me as well as, I hope, to you.”

____

Suddenly Jim’s chest feel warm and tight. He took a slightly shuddering breath.

____

“It’s certainly a comfort to me, Spock.”

____

Spock looked up to meet Jim’s eyes, expression suddenly infused with emotion. It was an overwhelming and welcome sight.

____

“You have been patient with me the past three months, Jim, and I know you feel frustration with me. When you expressed it under the stress of our recent mission I was… taken aback by the distress I felt at your anger.”

____

He stopped Jim interrupting him with a raised hand. “I do not say that as an admonition. Your actions and emotions are all eminently understandable. As I mentioned, your patience has been a support for which I am immensely grateful. It would be utterly unreasonable to expect that patience to never run thin.

____

“What I am trying to say is that, despite my continued difficulty expressing it, my regard for you remains as strong as it was prior to my death, and I do not enjoy the feeling of us being at odds. I wish to be close to you. I wish…” here he looked away, going slightly green. “I wish for you to reassure me that you are not angry with me.”

____

Jim practically flung himself across the bed, putting one hand on the back of Spock’s neck and, with the other, turning Spock’s face to his.

____

“Of course I’m not angry with you. I’m worried about you and I’m sad and I’m downright terrified. But I’m not angry with you.”

____

Spock scanned his face. His familiar dark eyes were slightly helpless.

____

“What is causing you to feel afraid?”

____

“I’m scared of losing you again, Spock. I’m scared that you don’t… that after what you’ve gone through, what your mind and your soul have experienced... I’m scared that after all of that you don’t... love me anymore.”

____

Spock didn’t answer for an agonizing eternity, still staring at him, but finally he closed his eyes and shook his head.

____

“Jim, you speak of my soul as if having it returned to my body could somehow destroy what I feel for you. That is utterly illogical—you are my soul, you are as integral a part of my katra as my neurological processes. When I awoke from the _fal-tor-pan_ , I knew almost nothing. I had little sense of self, very few memories. What was clearest in my mind was the faint impression of our bond. I knew you before I knew myself. I am sorry I have caused you to doubt this.”

____

There were no words that conveyed the enormity of what Jim felt in that moment, so instead he leaned in and kissed Spock, pulling him close.

____

There had been a few human kisses since Spock came back to life, mostly just desperate ones Jim was too weak not to ask for and which Spock endured with slightly confused patience.

____

But this was different, this was almost like their old kisses—or at least like the kisses they had shared in the very beginning, clumsy and uncertain but so utterly full of love. Jim laughed against Spock’s mouth and broke away, resting their foreheads together.

____

“My god, Spock. I love you so much.”

____

“I love you, Jim. _Dashal s’nash-veh, heh worla dashal._ ”

____

Jim shook his head with another little laugh. “Your mom tried to teach me some Vulcan while we were stuck there, but I’m no good at it.”

____

“It means, ‘parted from me, and never parted.’”

____

“Oh,” Jim whispered. Yes, he knew those words. Tonight, for some reason, it brought to mind the first time Jim had heard them, watching Spock say them to an outrageously beautiful Vulcan woman, Jim’s world shattering silently when Spock identified her as his wife.

____

Oh, how simple and melancholy things had been then. Useless longing, aborted attempts at communication, adherence to duty at the price of personal fulfilment.

____

Remembering Spock was waiting for an answer, Jim wrenched himself from his memories. “Never and always, touching and touched. Always, Spock. Always.”

____

Spock smiled softly, an easy expression Jim hadn’t seen for so, so long.

____

“Tell me how to say it right,” Jim murmured.

____

“ _Warla eh kwon-sum, estuhlan heh vesht estuhl_.”

____

“Warla ay kwan some, estoo lawn hey vest estool. Was that it?”

____

Spock had to bite his lips together to keep from laughing and Jim had never seen anything so beautiful, not ever in his life.

____

“It was… a genuine attempt, Captain.”

____

Jim laughed, a raucous sound more real than it had been in months.

____

Spock’s expression sombered somewhat. “May I make a request?”

____

“Of course, Spock.”

____

“Are you willing to help direct my behavior at times? It is still very difficult for me to know what I am supposed to be thinking or feeling at any given moment, let alone how I should express myself. It would be of great assistance to me, and I would likely be more attentive to your needs, if you offered your perspective.”

____

Jim nodded and took Spock’s hand. “Absolutely. I guess I haven’t actually been communicating with you as much as I should, have I?”

____

“You have been… somewhat distant yourself. I understand the impulse, of course, especially as I have given you reason to doubt my… regard for you.” He glanced at Jim’s face, pinched and uncertain, and then clarified. “My _love_ for you. But I would welcome more honesty between us.”

____

Jim lifted Spock’s hand to his mouth for a little kiss against his knuckles. “So would I, Spock. How about we both try harder for clear communication?” Spock nodded and Jim released his hand, patting it once. “Let’s get some sleep. I’d like to hold you, if that’s ok.”

____

In answer. Spock pushed Jim gently down into the mattress and rested his head on Jim’s chest, snuggling into the crook of his arm. Jim scrunched his eyes shut against the swell of emotions, the tremendous relief. He ran his fingers through Spock’s hair, keeping his hand there against Spock’s head until the fuzz of sleep took him under.

____

—-

____

Light finally broke through their exhausted eyes late in the morning, the city already bustling far below their windows.

____

“Does it sound like the past?” Jim whispered, disturbing the dust motes floating in the shafts of sunlight.

____

“In certain ways, I suppose.” Spock’s voice was rough and tired. “But not especially.”

____

Sometime in the night, Spock had tucked against Jim’s back, draped an arm against his waist. They were curved against each other like quotation marks, aligned together inexorably. 

____

“It wasn’t accepted back then, what we are. Not even in San Francisco, not really.”

____

Spock pressed a kiss to the back of Jim’s neck. “Obviously, Jim. First contact had not yet been made and any interspecies union would have been regarded with skepticism and derision.”

____

Jim laughed. “That’s not what I mean and you know it, but fair point.”

____

Spock shifted a little and Jim was suddenly aware of a hot line against his ass. Instinctively, he pulled away, looking at Spock over his shoulder for some indication of what he was feeling.

____

Spock, having noticed Jim jerk away, looked sharply to the side, green rising steadily on his cheeks. Jim hastily turned over to face him.

____

“Hey, hey. You ok?”

____

“I am sorry,” Spock mumbled in the general direction of his own shoulder. “I had thought you might be interested in sexual activity at this time, but I can of course understand why you are not—”

____

Jim put a hand on Spock’s cheek. “Spock, It’s not me I’m worried about! Yesterday you asked if I was trying to have sex with you and made it pretty clear you didn’t want that, so I’m only trying to respect your boundaries. Am I getting this wrong here?”

____

Spock’s sad brown eyes finally flicked back to his. “Oh. I am sorry, Jim, I appear to have misunderstood your social cues again. I have been attempting to find an acceptable way to convey my sexual desire for you, but when you suggested I undress I was not, at that moment, prepared for intercourse and was attempting to communicate that. I did not intend that as a censure on any sexual activity. I am in fact, if I am honest, desperate for you, but I was not aroused at that particular time.”

____

Jim couldn’t help it; he laughed out loud. “Oh sweetheart. You beautiful, sweet thing. Yesterday I was literally just suggesting you put more comfortable clothes on. I’m sorry I misunderstood.” He scooted closer until they were flush together, his soft, round belly tucked against the cradle of Spock’s body. “If you want me, a shy yam, I’m right here.”

____

“ _Ashayam_ ,” Spock corrected, but his lips were quirking in a little smile. “That endearment is not a human root vegetable. But it is cherished, all the same.”

____

Jim grinned and closed the remaining space between them, bringing his lips to Spock’s and slipping his tongue tentatively inside. Spock opened his mouth wider and actually whined softly. Jim drew back in surprise.

____

“Are you…you really are desperate, huh?”

____

Spock nodded sheepishly. “My desire for you has been increasing steadily since my resurrection. My bodily processes are intact, after all, and even without my full understanding of you, you are an excessively attractive individual.”

____

Jim grinned, hardly immune to Spock’s flattery. “Well thank you, Mr. Spock. You’re not so bad yourself.”

____

Spock’s eyes flicked anxiously to his. “If I am only ‘not so bad,’ perhaps your attraction to me is not sufficient—”

____

“Oh, no! No, no,” Jim took Spock’s face in his hands. “It’s just a human expression. It means I think you’re insanely sexy. So gorgeous I can barely resist you.”

____

“But… that is utterly illogical.”

____

Jim smiled, placed a soft kiss on Spock’s mouth. “Human idioms often are, sweetheart. I’ll try to remember that you’re not very familiar with them right now. Anyway, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever had the pleasure to make love to, and I’m sorry I didn’t realize you wanted me before.”

____

“I made no indication of it. There is no cause for apology.”

____

“Well,” Jim whispered, ghosting his lips over Spock’s, “let me make it up to you.”

____

—-

____

Later that day, they decided to venture out and trace the routes they had taken in 1986. They did a little research and pulled up several old maps and diagrams their PADDs. It was confusing and difficult given how much the city had changed in 300 years, but they were having endless fun trying to solve the puzzle, hovering on curbs bent over their map, squabbling over which direction to go. It didn’t escape Jim that they must have looked like old gay tourists, fussing and arguing over their itinerary. A charming interspecies couple, Spock in his long brown robes, Jim in jeans and a flannel shirt, an odd couple if there ever was one. Jim grinned as young people rushing back to work from their lunch breaks turned to smile at them, some in cadet uniforms. They didn’t even notice they were looking at the command team who had just saved Earth; all they saw where two old fogies in love.

____

They eventually made it to Sausalito and, just like in the past, there was a railing on the boardwalk over which the bridge was visible. They leaned there together, looking out over the sparkling water under the sweeping orange bridge where, only a few days ago, Jim had pulled Spock into the water in a fit of hysterical jubilation. Spock had flailed against him, confused but joyful, and for only a moment, the universe had seemed to settle between them.

____

They stood there together in silence for a long time, but finally Jim pushed off of the railing and reached out his hand. He was uncertain, his smile just slightly strained: he didn’t know if Spock would accept such a public and tender display. But without even a moment’s hesitation, Spock took Jim’s hand and squeezed it, fingers knitting into Jim’s with a needy intensity.

____

Jim closed his eyes and took a grateful breath before tugging Spock gently away and down the boardwalk. For a long time they strolled through the salty sea air, hand-in-hand. The weak echo of the bond swung to and fro between them, gathering strength.

____

Eventually, Spock cocked his head, speaking quietly into the stillness. “In regards to my memories, Jim, I _was_ reminded—by your insistence—that I greatly enjoy Italian cuisine. I have been admittedly craving it since our return to the present.”

____

Jim turned to look at Spock, taking in his poised, thoughtful posture, his concentration as he tried to reclaim his memories.

____

“Yeah? I told you so.”

____

Spock’s eyes came to rest on his, warming in the honeyed afternoon light. “So you did.”

____

An hour later they were in their favorite Italian restaurant, a place they had found all the way back before they were together, on one of their rare Terran shore leaves.

____

“Try a bite of the _arancini_ , Spock, you won’t regret it.”

____

Jim held out a forkful of rice and breading and marinara to Spock, and he leaned dutifully forward to take it in his mouth. His eyes lit up with delight and he nodded in approval.

____

Jim grinned, taking a long drink of the exorbitantly expensive red wine he had bought for them.

____

“What is the name of this entree again?” Spock asked, looking down at his plate. His memory hadn’t been complete enough for him to make his own order and so he had asked his husband to make it for him.

____

“Fettuccine with vodka sauce and a vegetarian meatball. It’s your favorite.”

____

Spock’s eyes crinkled, warm and sweet. “It is very pleasing. I appreciate you ordering it for me. Thank you for your patience with me, Jim.”

____

Jim shook his head. “I’m just glad you’re with me, in whatever state you can be. I was never expecting that it might be this… this easy.”

____

“Has it been easy?”

____

Jim laughed sadly. “No, I guess not. But I was truly worried that we would never get back here, to this. To us.”

____

Spock offered his hand across the table and Jim took it gratefully. Spock did not look at him as he spoke. He seemed to be gathering his thoughts, perhaps preparing himself to make sure he expressed himself correctly “I am still struggling Jim, and I know you are as well. I believe there is a long road ahead of us but I am eager to walk it, as long as you will be by my side.”

____

Jim squeezed Spock’s hand. “There’s nowhere in the universe I’d rather be, Spock.”

____

Spock’s eyes met his in the low light. His expression was open and contended and Jim couldn’t help it—he leaned over the table and kissed Spock. Spock accepted it happily and was smiling softly when Jim finally pulled away.

____

Moving with his familiar Vulcan grace, Spock started twirling some of his pasta around his fork, so Jim grinned and took another bite of his lasagne.

____

“I love Italian,” he said happily.

____

Spock looked up and his little smile widened, eyes twinkling with mischief. “So do I.”

____

Jim laughed out loud and between them, the bond hummed. For the first time in three months, there was no weight sitting heavy in Jim’s chest. He took Spock’s hand again and didn’t let go.

____


End file.
